| Two scarlet arms poised on a trigger of redemption's Journal |
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Two scarlet arms poised on a trigger of redemption
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| The end |
[06 Oct 2004|10:32pm] |
These have been some of the best and worst times of my life. Ive used this thing to complain and worry 99% of the time, but its mine and i use it for what i will.
Ive made so many changed in my life since i started this thing, and i cant say many of the people that were mentioned in here to begin with are still around but thats life, and thats growing up. Ive known most of you for a few years and i miss most of you a lot. I see you time to time but you can feel it, its gone and there really isnt any changing or appologies to be made to change anything. i owe so much to many of you, and i really cannot explain the effect some of you have had on my life. it is definitely irreplaceable and will forever put me in debt to some. bottom line though, if i once loved you i always will and that will never change. i wish you all the best in everything you do.
life has been nothing but an endless maze for me and i have usually let it consume me, almost all of the time. they finally decided i have a bad gene and i could ramble on and on about what they say it could or couldnt be but i finally feel like me. im happy with where i think im headed, and very ashamed and regretful for where ive been. i cannot change the past and i cannot change what ive done. however, i can alter my future and i can start over and i can do what ive always dreamed of doing. im breaking away from that decaying life and that deadly lifestyle. it holds nothing for me but the worst, heartbreak, and in the end everything but living. i just wish i would have done this 6 months ago, or better yet 6 years.
i cant change a thing, so ill leave you with appologies. if ive stepped on your toes or made you hate me im sorry. im sure it wasnt me. i allowed the real me to die a long time ago along with another very important person in my life. it was the biggest mistake especially knowing what he would have wanted, but im human and i convinced myself i lost everything.
i cannot say i have what i had then, or that im fulfilled now or even content. but im living and thats a lot better than before and thats a lot better than many other people. it took me a long time but ive finally learned that if it will happen it will happen i just have to do my best to make it so.
if you even think you may have done something to affect or help me out you did. dont doubt it just know. and thank you so much. especially a few people. ive been through a lot but i realize now that it just makes me stronger, and though this hasnt been a very good testament to that, my life will be.
with all my love, gratitude, and care,
Brandon
THIS JOURNAL IS FINALLY DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[04 Oct 2004|11:12pm] |
those crimson walls i painted......
now mine will be the same.
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| Forget me |
[03 Oct 2004|01:28pm] |
endless words without sounnd. your mouth moves and your eyes gleam but the sound of everything around is void. you touch me but i cant feel your warmth. the infinity of this situation. easily shrowded, it slowly crept up.
im left with endless days of totally meaningless filth. undesirably this is expected. it was instilled long ago, and it will never leave. i sat and thought, and i questioned and i just kept keeping it inside but my instincts are always right. everything on me is numb. not a single feeling of anything is left, and now i feel the pain in my head again. as chemicals battle others for the sanity of my mind.
anorexia, insomnia, and it never ends. you give it all to a void. simply a shell. and now they all turn their backs and laugh and enemies double. all that stress and endless work. everything fixable, its fixed. all the money and the little things, every last bit of you exhausted.
i cannot live anymore, i dont even feel alive. i dont want to be where i am, and i certainly dont want to be here. you are all used up. but we are different, when i lose i dont hurt myself and everyone else, i self destruct.
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| Check your head |
[30 Sep 2004|11:45pm] |
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music |
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phoenix.......still buy it, it will rule your life |
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If this is how "normal" people live, if this is what happy is, i will forever plead insanity. nothing is worth this.
p.s. i hate doctors, especially young, nervous, pen happy ones.
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| Officially official |
[28 Sep 2004|09:17pm] |
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spread the wings i clipped, now rehealed
im so sorry, for everything.
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| Better get used to this |
[26 Sep 2004|12:37am] |
my wonderful few weeks continues. stiff after stiff tonight at work delivering. i decide to get some new music, im needing something. i wonder the aisles and as always make the guys earn the money for the night looking for CDs for me. not much but enough to keep me going.
on to dinner for one, so of course lucky me im parked at the bar. of course 3 just starting the night girls sit down a few seats down, so i am entertained as i eat on how they believe the one's boyfriend is in love with her becuase he is eating a lot. the one justifies this deep deep thesis with he is happy so he is eating a lot. they also decide he must be in love with this girl becuase he alwys has her brother come over and talk sports and he grills steaks every night for them both but then eats them both when she says she isnt hungry. he has gained 20 lbs since they have been together. aka. he loves her. every extra 20 lbs of him. after listening to 30 minutes of this ignorence, i realized i had downed like 5 lemonades. this made me feel so weird, i was the lonely guy at the bar that drank incessantly. i dont think ive ever felt more weird in my entire life. i suddenly felt really sick and i felt you and sure enough there you were.
sorry, i meant to leave quicker i just ate really slow.
its back to working myself to the bone just so i never have time to think, its back to roaming the woods and trying to find answers, sleeping alone out on the ground and watching the past, playing those movies in my head, imagining those smells, and dreaming that im sleeping beside you, wishing i had done everything different, trying to convince myself ill get over it, watching tear smeared blue fade to black. im wondering when my life will ever change, 17 years of the same exact thing.
i still have red on those pants, my gym shorts have about lost all of your smell, i still have that puppy on my dresser, i still always check my phone, i still wake up and think of the same thing, i still go to sleep and think about the same thing. my hands are getting weaker by the minute. its time to do this all over again. i just dont know if i can do it alone.
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| For good this time |
[24 Sep 2004|12:46am] |
rumaging through and discover, the length of time unravels. its unsteady and remarkably cold. that ticket to that receipt to that dog. everything i ever wanted. thinking we are going up and your just hanging on.
long lost love letters, tucked away. secretly hidden in black. telling of what could have been, problems from the start. its all gone now, everything i hoped for everything i fought. that slow decay, like that of time. what i always felt, what you always questioned just to find out.
if only and only if. put me back a few years. make it the first time. and its that smile and those dimples. its dark complecting black and white film. its swings and laughter. its dreams. never to be broken, never to be misconstrued its everything you ever wanted. everything you thought he was, everything i could never be. then whats smashed in between.
destroyed from the words i do. everything was brand new, to me, it was all a new beginning. you were my everything, my dream girl. i was happy to have anything. roses, and little notes. hopeless romantics always figure it out too late. no hope, no time, nothing is love.
so pull it all in, realize the unraveling was all misconstrued. it should have never been opened, never been penetrated. if its bad timing its all right. keep it all in, and die with a lock and chain. destroy the key, this world isnt meant for you or for me.
now to the chopping block, now to digging graves, now back to the life i left and could do nothing but hate. back to the realization, it doesnt get any better than this. you must always settle, always give up, always just survive. always step back and smile, as they lower another. just someone, another person who saw you as incomprehensible, misunderstood, not caring.
believe me when i say, we are all just holding on. believe me when i say you dont understand and never will, what you mean to me, what you could have meant to me. the scars that never heal. realization. no one can understand. i bleed for you.
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| Let it start and end with me |
[23 Sep 2004|08:43pm] |
I started it off way wrong. let it fall, connected through space now stacked all leaning on each other. it shows you apart, it shows the gap and the pattern is broken. they fall continuously a group to a group. vows once uttered, taken back.
i cant say ive decided what im really for, certainly only in the length of wrong in my time of birth. when nothing is sacred, when everything is secret. i stand only waiting to fall again. longing for that feeling of weightlessness i know awaits.
its ironic how death follows my footsteps. im the only spectator to the show. its seems as though 2 more cards have been dealt, now i get to watch, shuffle, and bury. repeat.
i survived like this so long, now its far from gone. i cant explain nor decipher, you dont see. everything is so backwards, and unchanging. i will never understand how anyone could be that way. so much for show and tell, so much for learning.
the only thing constant in this world is waiting, and the only thing keeping me going is the instinct to survive. i get to watch my every wall crumble again. this time solely.
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| Where the rubber meets the road |
[12 Sep 2004|11:38pm] |
hazing and long, cresting that endless hill. to the sky i see it, crusted all in baby pink and baby blue. twirling and entertwined, how i want to be. its ironic, favoritism aside even, though mostly simply that. how something so close is so far away. how illumination brings it all out from a dull void of black, to pastels beyond imagination. exubberant and bright. childlike. kept in a small place we fall into content, never questioning but never quite happy. let go and we are never quenched always looking and wondering yet never quite content. happiness is without a gauge only to be found inside. our mind molds and twists twirling into our own world. every aura of a world totally unexplored.
its that longing and waiting, its your favorite color, its how you walk, its how your big toe is, its your key cat, its your smell, its your bed, its your hips, its your nose, its your green or blue eyes, its everything i dont know that i will find out, its your smile, its your back, its still............unexplainable.
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| Fog covered hills, Fog covered skies, Fog covered hearts |
[04 Sep 2004|01:25pm] |
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Its impossible to see, no matter how hard you look or try its always unclear. The best actions in the past are the worst for the future, and trying to relate and to see what it all means. Maybe if i had made more mistakes, if i really just didnt care it would result in more caring, in more understanding. Its ironic how everything in life is so backwards. I change to get closer just to put myself further away. I think its for the better and it turns out all for the worst.
I know what its about to bring, the winds of change. I can predict the future, grit my teeth, those ominous symbols surrounding me. If it all fails and crumbles beneath my feet, i have nothing left to grasp nothing left to hold. Ive given it all and therefore left those behind to rot. Burning bridges, so long past, my comfort zone is no longer existant. My mind is all i have left, and its waining. My stupidity and lack of optimism has cheated me. Those i could believe is left to a single hand. Ignorance is definately far from bliss.
When everything is turning, all you can see is the other side. When i ask for forgiveness and try to right my wrongs, my chance to becomes shortened. Endless technology couldnt be wasted and with a terminal prognosis, its time to wait. Time to wait for the misfortune of another and a single man to change his mind. Waiting for the misfortune of others, its a wonderful way to ensure living. To think that someone who made a horrible choice may cause you to loose your life early, simply to fit in and have "fun". What about now, does that deter you, does that make you think twice. You recieve a delusional parent, an abusive parent, and a defective body all in one. So is it worth it? Your monumental choice effects more than you will ever know.
Everything is on hold. Its time for hard decisions, for everything to get turned over again. The one person you could never suspect, the one person you just knew would always be there. You could have known sooner but its alwyas secrets kept are good ones, trying to save everyone else through the destruction of themselves. Played off and talked quietly and slow, nothing but everyday news.
All i ever wanted was you. Im still waiting, wanting, wishing. I guess this is it, last chance. Either way i guess it was worth it. This will be the one thing that goes right.
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| forever |
[16 Aug 2004|10:58pm] |
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when nothing is right, everything is wrong. put your ear to my chest, listen hard. when your heart is weary and you think of giving up, listen. mine beats hard and strong, constant and enduring. and its all for you. ill give you mine if you need it. ill give you new life, strong and enduring. constant and eternal my heart is yours.
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| I really am........ |
[16 Aug 2004|08:19am] |
going to change this thing.........when i get the time.
i wish for once my brain worked like everyone elses, and/or someone knew what it was like to feel this way.
school starts tomorrow. lame.
i made it 6 months.
she turned 20. her other half turned 20. happy birthday i love you both.
its hard to believe its my last year, possibly in this state. im a little worried. from here on out its going to be hectic, maybe going to NYC as soon as school lets out, so no more free time, no more free days.
i want to make sure i make the best of this last autumn, so i may not work much even though i really need the money. hopefully these new agencies will get me some really good work. its hard to believe this may be the last year i get to enjoy the land around here. its really depressing.
i talked to my dad last night and he i think has finally realized some things. he is curtious, he is nice, and is looking forward to fall and already talking about plans, so maybe for once i can enjoy him. we can just see each other a bit and get the last taste of what we should have had all along. with all he has been through and maybe now he realizes that this may be his last chance. who knows. but either way things are better. to think back when i didnt have friends for all those years thats all i looked forward to was fall and camp and my dad and my great uncles and family friends. i really dont want to miss out on that one last year. even if its only a few days.
there is something about that place, just like here. you can never explain it, you can never really understand it. you just know. its that feeling, you breath it in, and it becomes part of you. never to leave. this world has no idea what its about to throw away. im lucky enough to have it, and i can say ive seen more than a hundred people deserve to see. im gonna make it all worth while.
to my last year and all it holds.
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| Undescribable |
[27 Jul 2004|02:30am] |
In the past few days slash weeks, something has been happening. I do not understand exactly what, if its permanent, if it is completely right or why and where it came from but i dont think i have ever felt better in my entire life. Like a haze and veil has been lifted. My mind is finally now free enough to breathe, and to breathe with content. I have always seeked something that was impossible, i have lost control of my own thoughts, and my own actions. Now i feel as if i am once again in control. Not any medication nor thing in my life right now is stronger and i feel i continue to become stronger. All of my mistakes, my wrongdoings in life are now outlined and highlighted and i now am able to fix them slowly, surely, carefully. I am for once in my life living without any battles raging behind glassed eyes or silent lips. I am free of the prison i created for myself. I am stronger than what i had become.
Take comfort and strength in me. If i have to i will hold us both up, no matter what i am constant, never moving, and always here. It is because of you that i am able to be the person i am today. That i have been able to grow and learn the lessons that i have in the past few months. Lessons that have helped me aleviate things that i hated about myself, and for all i know i may have never been able to rid myself of. IndefinAtely it made my life this neverending tragedy, manifested by no one but myself, that has now shown to simply be temporary. You are my reason, my fight, my best friend. I am so sorry for my mistakes and my late blooming, but now or never, no matter what ever happens. Im here.
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| Scientific Theory |
[17 Jul 2004|03:06pm] |
Ive found that the human race has to be more guilty of this than anything else, and especially myself. After sitting down and reading something today it really hit me, how self oriented we all are when in reality we are nothing compared to whats out there.
We so often just think of our own affairs and i guess this is instinctual to keep down stress and try and keep our minds unclogged. But i really think it does the opposite for me, and i now realize how much else there is. I let myself get tied up in my social things and forgot what i always used to just sit and think about, about my own little theories and/or wonderings.
The night sky and millions upon millions of stars are not a good enough reminder because just like everything else we become acustomed to it and just expect it to be there. We take a lot for granted and sometimes i wonder if its all just paper covering. you cant put a price on knowlege and yet we all just meander around going about our lives when so much more is going on around us and above us. ill settle for whatever i can get. To think every answer to every question lies somewhere out there. Whether its hear or somewhere up there.
In another note im killing this. i dont claim edge anymore i havent for a while if anyone wants to know why, please feel free to ask. i would tell you on here but i wouldnt want to waste your time, nor make more enemies because of something on the internet that means nothing to begin with, but hey some people are that childish. ill post a new name soon, add it if you like.
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| i miss you already |
[12 Jul 2004|08:33am] |
with change lined shoes
i make my exit
slowed and stopped
my belt loops make perfect hand holds
spun around and pulled down
pressed against your lips
and i cant remember or forget
in an instant
my name
i just know what ive always forgot
realization played slow and soft
how could i
to know i have what no one can take away
what no one else does
dont forget ill always be there
on to hot showers
::::******** ********::::
munt
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| Sorry |
[09 Jul 2004|01:49am] |
i no longer know......
it leaves me wondering
knowing my own everything is at fault
im supposed to be there
and im not
but i cant help the feelings that rise up
out of no where
now there is no one to hear
listen
this wasnt supposed to happen
this wasnt supposed to be this hard
and now with cold seeping in
with lonesome tears
and empty beds
i wonder how far those few feet mile up to
that void of space that always transcends
is it your normalcy
it seems so ditached
this is the accent of the half hearted land
does it all make sense now
and if the ship was built in bottled sand
does it all make sense now
the anchors kiss was scrawled
in dislexic crayon
yes it all makes sense now
is this just a life preserver
or a bivouac tenure
the tropic of cancer answered
drink the quicksand
a mirror was splintered on the deck floor
does it all make sense now
a stowaway that lived beneath this hull
does it all make sense now
the anchors kiss was scrawled
in dyslexic crayon
yes it all makes sense now
is this just a life preserver
or bivouac tenure
this tropic of cancer answered
drink the quicksand
it's gills will swim faster after a breath from the shore
breathe the taste of salt water
dry heave up and overboard
ponde de leon wrinkles
lets make it young again
boat drinks for captains
row our boat stowaway
it all makes sense now
if our map was torn navigate, navigate
if your compass broke navigate, navigate
i feel so ditached like i cant relate to anyone
im waiting
im wondering
im hoping
for something i fear will not come
dont ever leave anything unsaid, you may never get a chance
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| Im all Theyve all |
[05 Jul 2004|09:19am] |
i should be sleeping really. back to 3 hours, o well.
i met and talked to kirsten dunst the other night, very peculiar.
Why am i so indecisive.
definAtely.
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| awwwwww change |
[26 Jun 2004|08:23pm] |
- first and foremost, me and you
- new car
-finished up my modeling classes. graduation was tonight. me cowboy boots, cowboy hat, vest, black slacks. yea.
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| Tuff |
[23 Jun 2004|11:54am] |
FOOTBALL TONIGHT WATERFRONT LIKE 930. IF WE GET ENOUGH PEOPLE TO COME. IF YOU WANNA PLAY HIT ME UP ON HERE OR CALL ME.
5023964244
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